Asia: 49 Versions of the Future
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“Justice for Vance Munson: Because Michael Westen Would’ve Folded Hitch Like a Beach Chair”
There are many cinematic injustices in this world, but none more disrespectful than watching Michael Westen — the man who can build a bomb out of a stapler — get manhandled by a dating consultant in Hitch.
I’m sorry, but no.
My spirit rejected it.
My bloodstream rejected it.
My Burn Notice memories stood up and said, “Absolutely not.”
Let’s be savage.
1. Vance Munson got beat like he’d never won a fight in his life
This is MICHAEL WESTEN we’re talking about.
A man who:
has survived explosions
fought mercenaries
outsmarted the CIA
narrated tactical advice while bleeding out
And suddenly he’s getting tossed around by Will Smith like a malfunctioning Roomba.
Be serious.
2. Hitch slapped him like he was a side quest NPC
The disrespect was biblical.
Hitch didn’t even square up.
He just casually smacked Vance like he was swatting a mosquito.
Meanwhile, Michael Westen has taken down entire crime syndicates with a paperclip and a motivational speech.
This scene was character assassination.
3. Vance Munson acted like he’d never thrown a punch, which is scientifically impossible
Michael Westen has:
broken arms
broken doors
broken international law
But Vance Munson?
He folded like a lawn chair at a barbecue.
It’s giving “I skipped gym class for four years.”
4. The swagger didn’t match the skillset
Vance walked in with that “I’m the man” energy.
Michael Westen walks in with that “I’ve neutralized the exits and memorized your blood type” energy.
But in Hitch, he strutted in like a peacock and got humbled like a toddler who touched a hot stove.
5. The REAL Michael Westen would’ve ended the movie in 8 seconds
Let’s imagine the actual version:
Hitch: “You need to leave.”
Michael Westen: “When you’re dealing with an aggressive opponent, the key is leverage…”
Hitch is suddenly on the floor, the fire alarm is going off, and Vance has escaped through the kitchen with a stolen Vespa.
Roll credits.
6. The audience wasn’t rooting for Vance, As Burn Notice Fans we were rooting for Michael Westen trapped inside Vance’s body
We didn’t want Vance to win.
We wanted Michael Westen to wake up like:
“Wait… why am I wearing a suit that isn’t fireproof?”
Because the man we know would NEVER let himself get thrown into a table by a guy who gives relationship PowerPoints for a living.
7. The whole scene felt like watching Superman get bullied by a substitute teacher
It was wrong.
It was unnatural.
It was a violation of the Burn Notice Cinematic Universe.
My brain kept screaming:
“MICHAEL, DO SOMETHING.”
But Vance Munson just stood there like a man whose only combat training was “vibes.”
Final Verdict
Vance Munson deserved that beatdown.
But MICHAEL WESTEN did not.
And unfortunately for Hitch, those two men share a face — which means the scene will forever feel like watching a lion get slapped by a houseplant.
Justice for Michael Westen.
